you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
