your parents love me but you hate me
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
