My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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