Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
