I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
