So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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