ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
