I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
