As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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