the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
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