I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
