i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i out mim tonsoeep
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
