She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
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