Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
