Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
