Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
