you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
