No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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