If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
