Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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