But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
