he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Damn victory sex feels great
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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