While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
