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Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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