i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
