How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
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You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
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Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.