just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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