Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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