god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
you had me at cake vodka
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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