i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
