Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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