If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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