giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
