Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
