why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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