I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
