Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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