booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
