I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
