you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
