dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
