Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
