My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize