News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
birth control should be required to get into college
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
