Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
