goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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