can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
