That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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