i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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