In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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