What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
