I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
