Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It's never too late to be topless.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
