I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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