i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
