We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I wish there were birth control emojis
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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